maybe 2013?

I had a motto for 2012 and that was "SMILE 2012." It sure has been a tough year to smile...my pappaw passed away in April, my beloved cat and what I would consider my baby passed away a little over a week ago and I am now recovering from foot surgery. The foot surgery is the easy part. The hard part is not having my companion here with me as I recover in my tiny apartment. Our apartment. It was our new start and yet he's no longer here. Again, "constants aren't so constant anymore..."

My heart breaks. It's almost like I am used to this feeling. Why should a 32 year old be used to this kind of pain? I know there are so many others out there struggling everyday, and I don't want to come across wanting pity, but my cat meant the world to me. He was with me through the most challenging days of my life to date. He helped me heal. He was there when I needed someone but didn't know what I needed. He was what I needed.

A lot of people think he was sent on a mission. Sort of my guardian angel. His time was done. He needed to move on. He passed away so unexpectedly, without any sign. The details aren't important, but the loss sure as fuck is. It broke me all over.

I am so sick of grieving. I am so over having to relive the pain in my heart. This is a new pain. Jasper touched me in a way that a human can't. He was my companion. An unspoken bond that was as deep as the ocean. He was my baby. I never expected to say goodbye after only having him for 1.5 years. He was so little. So precious to me.

Sometimes it's so hard to be optimistic. I feel that when I am optimistic and things seem to be going well, something happens. I do not want my life to continue like this. A lot of people say "this has to be it." But in reality, it might not be. This could be preparing me for worse, or it could be the worse. I don't know. We don't know. I am living day by day. That's as far as I can live right now.

I miss Jasper more than anything in this world. He was always here when I came home from work, always talking, always on my lap. He was always with me. He is everywhere. We did it all together. My routine was Jasper. And now that he's gone, I feel it with every step I take...literally.

I hate broken hearts. I fucking hate them.