I realize I need to be happy with where I am in life and reflect on this more. All that I've been through, all that I've witnessed and all that I have become. I do not give myself enough credit. I'm my worst critic and that little voice in my head that is so hard on ME, needs to shut the fuck up.

I often look at pictures on Instagram and wish I had their bodies. Flat stomachs, chiseled arms. It's hard not to want what you don't have.  I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's so why do I compare my body to others? It's hard to overcome. It's hard to take this fitness journey day by day when you want accelerated results.

I did a workout class called Shred415 with a girlfriend yesterday. It was hard, but would've been harder a year ago. I've committed to the gym for over a year with extensive weight lifting. My body has changed, mostly the muscular development and strength. During the class,  I struggled a bit with the treadmill running, I wanted to go faster and push harder, but it was hard. During lunges, I wanted to push deeper and not have to rest, but I couldn't. Instead of dwelling on what I couldn't do, it's an opportunity to get better next time.

I've learned that I need to turn my problems/weaknesses into opportunities.

And I will.

Everything takes time.

whoa. did I really just write a post on a blog I haven't touched in like a year? Why yes, yes I did.

Not so much for people to read, but for me to look back and ensure I'm hitting my goals. I want to track my journey to competing in bodybuilding. The highs and lows, and all that is in between. It's a tough road, but one that I am determined to master.

I've been on track now for the last 5 days. Nailed my macros, nailed the workouts. I woke up this morning feeling the best I have felt in like 2 months. It tells me that I need to stay committed, it tells me that I really want this. I was getting so discouraged, but I was discouraged even though I KNEW I wasn't putting in the work. That's not fair. I have this notion in my head that "one cheat meal won't hurt," or "endless snacks one night won't kill me." This mental game will not work if I want to achieve this. I know better. So why do I sometimes not win against myself? Only time will tell.

I hope to learn a lot about myself. I hope to get stronger, not just physically but mentally. I want to help others, but mostly I want to help myself. My mind and body are so connected. When one isn't right, the other is affected.

Here's to a great week of staying on track. Saturday and Sunday are my hardest days with eating, but I'm determined to kickass.

xxooxx

TRIP IN DECEMBER!!

My wonderful boyfriend (Gareth, G-man, Baby, G-unit, baby boy etc.) surprised me by planning the ultimate trip for us in December. We will spend 5 days in Yorkshire, England at this quaint little cottage with a real fireplace (i.e. REAL WOOD!!)! Think of the movie "The Holiday" and then times a million cause I'm with my love! It will make for a perfect first Christmas together and I'm excited to be in a completely new place for a romantic, relaxing getaway...and obviously much-needed.

From the movie "the Holiday"

We then head off to London for a few days to explore, eat, get tattooed and enjoy the beautiful city (including a ride on the London Eye and of course...SHOPPING!!! Maybe even an ice skate).

I want to get tattooed at The Family Business Tattoo shop by Daniele. He does absolutely amazing realistic roses which will be a beautiful addition to my collection.

I cannot even believe it's a tattoo. I will need something to remember our trip by and I think this will be perfect.

We have a very nice dinner planned at Gordon Ramsay's Maze restaurant which is going to be fucking amazing. I'm a huge fan of his so this adds another layer of crazy excitement for this trip!

Next up...PARIS, FRANCE!!!!! I could not believe it! The most romantic city in the world and I will be there, celebrating New Years and the beginning of what's going to be a fantastic 2013.

We are going to figure out a nice place for dinner on New Years eve, but other than that, just wing it. I want to explore and walk around, popping in and out of cafes and boutique stores. Of course, I will have to make a pit-stop at Chanel.












Words cannot begin to describe how excited I am for this trip. Not only will it be amazing to getaway and do something new for both Christmas and New Year's, it's the thoughtfulness of Gareth putting this all together...for me. I am so fortunate that I have him. I am still in awe sometimes that I'm not living in a dream. Seems too good to be true, but I know that I deserve it. He is treating me like the princess I've always dreamed about...I think my fairytale is real. Actually, I know it is. He's forever a part of me. We are soulmates who lived through some really tough times, but it's now our time to embark on life together.

More to come on all that develops as I continue to research both London and Paris. If anyone has reco's let me know! Would love to do "non-traditional" tourist things. Off the beaten path is always better for our style!

xx

maybe 2013?

I had a motto for 2012 and that was "SMILE 2012." It sure has been a tough year to smile...my pappaw passed away in April, my beloved cat and what I would consider my baby passed away a little over a week ago and I am now recovering from foot surgery. The foot surgery is the easy part. The hard part is not having my companion here with me as I recover in my tiny apartment. Our apartment. It was our new start and yet he's no longer here. Again, "constants aren't so constant anymore..."

My heart breaks. It's almost like I am used to this feeling. Why should a 32 year old be used to this kind of pain? I know there are so many others out there struggling everyday, and I don't want to come across wanting pity, but my cat meant the world to me. He was with me through the most challenging days of my life to date. He helped me heal. He was there when I needed someone but didn't know what I needed. He was what I needed.

A lot of people think he was sent on a mission. Sort of my guardian angel. His time was done. He needed to move on. He passed away so unexpectedly, without any sign. The details aren't important, but the loss sure as fuck is. It broke me all over.

I am so sick of grieving. I am so over having to relive the pain in my heart. This is a new pain. Jasper touched me in a way that a human can't. He was my companion. An unspoken bond that was as deep as the ocean. He was my baby. I never expected to say goodbye after only having him for 1.5 years. He was so little. So precious to me.

Sometimes it's so hard to be optimistic. I feel that when I am optimistic and things seem to be going well, something happens. I do not want my life to continue like this. A lot of people say "this has to be it." But in reality, it might not be. This could be preparing me for worse, or it could be the worse. I don't know. We don't know. I am living day by day. That's as far as I can live right now.

I miss Jasper more than anything in this world. He was always here when I came home from work, always talking, always on my lap. He was always with me. He is everywhere. We did it all together. My routine was Jasper. And now that he's gone, I feel it with every step I take...literally.

I hate broken hearts. I fucking hate them.

say what?!?

While I was certainly getting into the groove of running after my first half-marathon, I definitely needed to understand the source of pain in my knee and foot. 

After seeing a foot specialist, I wasn't thinking there was major concern considering he said it was just joint inflammation from increasing my mileage. Well, after the half-marathon, my knee was hurting beyond belief so I went to see a Sports Medicine Internist at the Running Institute. He thought it was an alignment issue and put me in physical therapy to work on my hip strength, which would allow my knee and foot to align better and not cause compensation issues on my right side with how I was landing and adjusting. 

All was good, until I needed to get an x-ray cause my foot was still hurting quite a bit. The radiologist saw a lot wrong, including the very fun term BONE DEATH. Seriously. Avascular Necrosis is the technical term. I had  broken my third metatarsal 17 years ago, playing soccer. Someone stepped on it with a cleat, and it fractured. Well, that never healed properly and now my bone is dying, which means it's chipping apart in my foot. 

The result...surgery. And no more running. I had signed up for two more half marathons this summer after I was told it was a hip strength issue. No biggie. I'll get some strength in that hip and rock 'n roll. Yeah, not. 

So I am getting surgery on June 14th to remove the bone and whatever else is in there just floating around causing me so much pain. The good news, I will feel 100%. The bad news, no running for probably a year. Me and the pool are going to get real close. Cause I must work out. I do not want to lose the cardio shape I'm in right now. 

It's discouraging for sure, but I'm thankful that there is a source of the pain and it can be fixed. Will it be a pain in the ass? Yes, considering he wants me to take off 6 weeks of work and it will be hard to get around. The foot is a pain in the ass cause you're always on it, so I think it takes a bit longer to heal. I'm hoping my body is a master healer and the recovery is faster than we think. Although, I do know that running is not in my near or distant future. I'm okay with that cause I'll get right back to it, the second he says I can start. 

I think I need to start making a list of books to read, websites to browse, magazines to have on-hand, etc....I will be BORED out of my mind!!! 

death happens

I had hoped to not have to post about death and grieving in this blog, but the reality is that death happens. My Pappaw (mom's father) passed away on Wednesday night after he had suffered a heart attack on Monday evening, leaving him in critical condition.

The pain hit me hard, although I prepared myself for him to die, not to pull through. Pappaw was a strong, strong person. A true southern cowboy, with a teddy bear interior (that only few saw!). Thinking he would pull through was natural instinct, but I forced myself to think the opposite because of what last year brought me. It was best that I prepared for the worst, and in this instance, it was for the better.

Casey and I met up in Memphis on Thursday and drove into Paragould, Arkansas. I wanted to see my Mammaw so badly. A women who was with this man for 64 years. I cannot even fathom the loss she feels. Her health has gotten pretty bad and my Pappaw would do practically everything for her. An example being, she said one night "who's going to take me to Pizza Inn? He would sit me down and bring me pizza. We did this once a week (said with a heavy southern accent)." Imagine hearing that. My heart broke. It's still bleeding a bit as I think through the loneliness she will endure. She cannot see. She can walk, but sometimes it's a bit shaky. He was her rock. He was her best friend. She told someone that she lost not just her husband, but best friend.

Not only was my family (uncles, aunts, cousins, mom, sister, etc.) here to grieve, we were also here to remember what an amazing Husband, Daddy and Pappaw he was. A celebration of sorts. We laughed often, but cried just as much. His presence was BIG and damn you could feel it vanished in their house. He did everything loudly, slamming doors, sneezing, walking in his cowboy boots, laughing and talking overall. The house felt different. I missed hugging him. He gave great big, strong hugs.

I am having a hard time leaving. I want my Mammaw to be okay. She has people coming to stay with her and my mom and cousin are coming back next week when she moves into an Assisted Living facility, that I hear is really nice. But that's not her home. Her home was with Pappaw. She knows she cannot look after herself, but I know it causing her so much pain.

I had a fear of seeing him in the casket, but I handled it much better than I thought I would. I went up to him by myself the first time and touched his ear and his suit coat. I wanted to feel him. I wanted one last touch to say goodbye. I didn't think I would be so open to a dead body, but I was. I hate to say this, but it's almost like I'm getting used to what grieving feels like. That's the only way I can truly describe what I feel. I know what to expect and the pain that comes with it. I would rather feel it, than hide my sadness.

I took a few things to remember my Pappaw by...overalls, flannel/western shirt and a western belt. He was a special man who I will miss greatly. My one wish was for him to see me walk down the wedding aisle, but I can only hope that he'll be watching from somewhere...even if he's not in the room.

RIP Pappaw. You will always be my garbage disposal :)

the start of something so, so good

Well, I've officially "sort of" settled into my dorm-room living lifestyle. I fucking LOVE it. I didn't know if I would get all of this (from a almost 1,000 sq foot 1 bedroom + queen size bed)....

Into a 12' x 11' ROOM. Yes, ROOM. I'm not sure I would even consider my new place a studio. I swear my college dorm was bigger. The good news is...IT FITS! The only issue I am faced with is clothes. The closet space is full and I still have jeans, workout clothes, sweaters and a huge box of other clothes that need to find a home. Yes, I have a minor addiction to shopping. And this is on top of getting rid of almost 20 bags of clothes. Again, yes, I understand I have a problem. I can admit it. Eh, I like it :)

I unpacked everything very quickly (shocking!), with the exception of the clothes mentioned above. Lots of organization and shifting of shit needs to happen, but that's the fun part. And a trip to The Container Store will hopefully be welcome inspiration.

Oh and Jaspy loves it! Look at him!

I was able to get out and explore the new neighborhood on Sunday. I am IN LOVE. It is seriously amazing. Why did I live downtown for so long? This is where it's at for me. I can hear kids playing and birds chirping. People say hi and this is their neighborhood too. I think because everyone who you see out and about lives here, they want it to be a good environment, unlike downtown where a lot of people are visiting/tourists. It feels really, really good. The first time since moving to Chicago, I can officially say that I feel settled. I am where I am supposed to be.

Not only are clothes/shoes an addiction, my love for Intelligentsia (coffee place!!) is quite intense. I mean, look how cute it is...

The money I am saving in rent, will easily be spent here. hehe. It's amazing, amazing coffee. Well lattes are the only thing I've had, but I've heard the coffee is unbelievable. They are experts at their craft. I also discovered at least three independent coffee shops that I want to try as well, if I can tear myself away from here. It taste so, so good. 

A lot of changes are on the horizon for me and I very much look forward to embracing them with open arms. I am so incredibly happy, it's sort of nauseating. My new place, my boy (who also moved into this building!!) and my friends and family sure are making me smile from a very warm place in my heart. 

A common term I will use for the rest of my life is "I'm living in my rainbow." It's my time to shine and get the most out of life that I possibly can, because I sure know that life is certainly too short.